Dreams have different meanings to different people, at different times.  One may have dreams, or aspirations, in life to achieve a goal or a certain outcome.  I dream of being a writer someday or I dream of owning my own house.  Dreams also can be images, sounds or emotions that happen while one is asleep.  Dreams while sleeping may be good or bad, happy or sad, boring or exciting.  To each and every person, dreams mean something different and to a person with Narcolepsy it means something completely different.  To me, it's like living a double life.

Some nights, most nights, the word nightmare is almost an understatement.  I have what is called Hypnotic Hallucinations or HH.  HH usually happens right before a person falls asleep or right when one is waking up.  I usually experience them right after I lay down.  I begin to dream but I think I am awake.  These HHs are incredibly life like, meaning I don't know I am dreaming.  I will wake up my husband and tell him that somebody is breaking into the house and I will really believe it.  My heart will be racing and on the verge of tears.  I swear I just heard glass breaking, the door being smashed in, I saw somebody in the hallway or I heard voices but none of that happened and I can't comprehend that it wasn't real.  It doesn't stop there.  Every member of my family has been abducted by aliens, invaded my spirits and attacked by demons.  I have been paralyzed in my bed as bugs crawled over every inch of my body and into my mouth and up my nose. The horror goes on and on, over and over, sometimes every night.

Not all my dreams are reincarnated horror films.  I frequently dream of people I may or may not have ever known.  Even though these dreams may not be scary, so to speak, they can be emotionally hard to overcome.  I have had relationships with people that may not even know my name or that I even exist.  Pretty sure Jon Bon Jovi is just as happily married as I am and no matter how real that dream seemed, I know it never existed and it doesn't affect any of my true life relationships. Dreams of Jon Bon Jovi are a welcome reprieve from every other night of my existence. 

It's the dreams about people of true interest that can be truly confusing.  Looking back I often wonder how much influence these dreams have played on my feelings, thoughts and actual decisions I have made.  When I spoke of living a double life, it's these dreams I was speaking of.  It's hard to decide how you actually feel about a person when they invade your dreams and the fictional person and non-fictional person have two separate personalities and the dreams have such a life like feel to them that even after they are gone it's hard to separate the fake from the real experiences.  Over the years I have figured a way to separate the two lives.  I frequently tell my husband my dreams, especially when they involve him.  He helps to reaffirm what I already know, that he loves me no matter what and nothing can change that. 

Some dreams about some people are harder to reaffirm.  People in my life that I may be afraid to disappoint or I subconsciously strive to impress appear in my dreams often and these dreams reaffirm my fears not the actual life.  It takes the fears I have of these people and magnifies them but sometimes it's really hard to tell if it's my fears or my subconscious talking.  Sometimes they seem like a huge "duh" moment and other times it hurts to think that may be how they really perceive me. 

Every once and awhile I have good dreams.  Dreams of dreams I have in life.  There are things in life I would have loved to accomplished and know that I never will be.  There are also things in life that I may yet accomplish and my dreams help me with figuring out how to accomplish them.  For example, I dream of being a writer someday.  Would I love to be a famous author? OF COURSE!! But I would be just as happy to finish ONE book.  And some of my biggest writer's blocks are solved in my dreams.  Now if I wasn't so tired to put thoughts to paper, or computer, that would be nice. 

I don't know what part of my dreams are caused by Narcolepsy.  I obviously know that my HHs are caused by Narcolepsy and so is the paralysis that goes with them but as far as the deciphering of fake from real, normal or Narcolepsy?  I may have over half my life with Narcolepsy but I still have questions that not even my dreams can answer.  I hope that someday, I will not only understand my dreams, but also get rid of my Hallucinations AND accomplish the dreams I have yet to accomplish. 

No comments:

Post a Comment